{"id":249,"date":"2012-06-18T21:35:13","date_gmt":"2012-06-19T01:35:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/matthewcochran.net\/blog\/?p=249"},"modified":"2019-03-24T07:17:26","modified_gmt":"2019-03-24T11:17:26","slug":"shame-and-the-slut-double-standard","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/matthewcochran.net\/blog\/shame-and-the-slut-double-standard\/","title":{"rendered":"Shame and the Slut Double Standard"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I&#8217;m not a big fan of shaming.\u00a0 In other words, I don&#8217;t like the idea of emotionally manipulating people specifically for the purpose of making them feel shame.\u00a0 On the other hand, I don&#8217;t like the idea of emotionally manipulating people so that they <strong>don&#8217;t<\/strong> feel shame either.\u00a0 To some extent, all of us know right from wrong&#8211;it&#8217;s written on our hearts.\u00a0 As a result, when we&#8217;re reminded of such standards and realize we haven&#8217;t lived up to them, we feel shame.\u00a0 This is an entirely authentic and appropriate emotion to feel in the face of guilt.\u00a0 And so, I therefore object when people try to manipulate others into forgetting the law written on their hearts in order to avoid feelings of shame.\u00a0 The solution to shame is not abolishing the law&#8211;it&#8217;s the fulfillment of the law by Christ on our behalf.<\/p>\n<p>But what about shame with respect to chastity?\u00a0 I do not refer to slut-shaming (which is like any other kind of shaming), but to slut-shame:\u00a0 the feelings of the unchaste when they are reminded that what is good and what felt good are not synonymous.\u00a0 In modern America, this sort of shame seems much more liable to trigger attempts by sentimentalists to banish the unpleasant feelings by abolishing the law.\u00a0 The usual rationalization I hear is that there&#8217;s a double standard for chastity:\u00a0 when women sleep around, they&#8217;re sluts, but when men sleep around they&#8217;re studs.\u00a0 This is deemed unfair, and so people want to restore balance by removing a woman&#8217;s sense of shame to match what they imagine to be a man&#8217;s lack of shame.<\/p>\n<p>To get the obvious affirmations out of the way:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Yes it is sinful for men to fornicate.\u00a0 Whether it&#8217;s &#8220;just as sinful for men as it is for women,&#8221; I neither know nor care.\u00a0 I do not know because I cannot measure such sinfulness with enough precision to say whether it&#8217;s exactly the same.\u00a0 I do not care because &#8220;I&#8217;m no worse than you&#8221; and &#8220;you&#8217;re no better than me&#8221; tend to be completely useless observations even if they happen to be true.<\/li>\n<li>Yes, women are completely forgiven their unchastity through Christ&#8217;s atoning death just as men are.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Of course, whenever someone gets obvious affirmations out the way, it&#8217;s because there&#8217;s a big &#8220;however&#8221; coming.\u00a0 This instance is no different.\u00a0 Effectively dealing with this kind of double standard requires us to understand where it comes from in the first place.\u00a0 Simply answering &#8220;sin&#8221; is unhelpful.\u00a0 It doesn&#8217;t just have to do with the fact that humans are corrupted, but the specific nature of our corruption.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Sexual Barbarism<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Humans were created to be monogamous.\u00a0 Furthermore, this monogamy functions through the complementarity of men and women.\u00a0 As has often been observed the male role in this monogamy is to lead and provide; the female role is to follow &amp; receive (e.g., Ephesians 5).\u00a0 The divorce rate has jumped ever since we tried to jettison this understanding.\u00a0 Furthermore, for all the talk of homosexuals pretending they are married, there is also talk of this same pretense <a href=\"http:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/2010\/01\/29\/us\/29sfmetro.html\">&#8220;fixing&#8221; marriage for heterosexuals by removing monogamy from it<\/a>.\u00a0 Monogamy simply isn&#8217;t the standard for two men.\u00a0 It needs male\/female complementarity to work.<\/p>\n<p>It is also true that mankind is fallen.\u00a0 Like everything else about us, our sexuality has spiraled away from what it was created to be.\u00a0 We do not what we ought and our wickedness needs to be constrained by the law for the sake of relative peace in this life.\u00a0 When we have not been adequately trained in this law by an enduring civilization, we become sexual barbarians.\u00a0 This is true for both men and women.\u00a0 However, because of the original complementarity, men and women tend* to spiral into sexual sin in different ways.\u00a0 It is important to keep in mind here that human sexuality goes deeper than the urge to insert tab A into slot B.\u00a0 It also contains the urge to create relationships.\u00a0 That doesn&#8217;t mean that men and women don&#8217;t sometimes use each other as prostitutes for hook-ups.\u00a0 It does mean, however, that relatively few people have or seek a sexual history made up entirely of brief hook-ups.<\/p>\n<p>When able, sexually barbaric men tend to be polygamous.\u00a0 Because they are made to lead and provide, they seek self-aggrandizement and self-satisfaction by creating harems when their sexuality is turned to selfishness.\u00a0 The original design of relationships still has some input, for while they want to use their women, they also want to own them.\u00a0 Kings are still jealous for their harems, nobles are still jealous for their concubines, and aristocrats are still jealous for their mistresses.\u00a0 However, they do not hold themselves to any such standards for the sake of their women.\u00a0 What?\u00a0 Men have roving eyes?\u00a0 Say it ain&#8217;t so!<\/p>\n<p>Sexually barbaric women, on the other hand, tend to be hypergamous&#8211;rather than collecting, they trade their men for other men of higher rank and status.\u00a0 Because they are made to follow and receive, they seek self-aggrandizement and self-satisfaction by trying to hang onto the most confident\/alpha men who can maintain them in a desirable lifestyle.\u00a0 What?\u00a0 Women are attracted by power and wealth?\u00a0 Say it ain&#8217;t so!<\/p>\n<p>But I hear a faint objection here.\u00a0 You&#8217;re a woman and you don&#8217;t want to trade your boyfriend for someone with more money, power, and authority?\u00a0 You&#8217;re a man and you don&#8217;t want to create a harem?\u00a0 Great!\u00a0 If you&#8217;re not just fooling yourself, then that means you&#8217;ve been adequately civilized.\u00a0 You&#8217;ve gained the unconscious habit of quashing those urges when they arise.\u00a0 Unfortunately, we, as a society, are becoming less and less civilized all the time, so we can&#8217;t expect everyone to have those habits anymore.<\/p>\n<p>Now, neither polygamy nor hypergamy are good things.\u00a0 Both of these harm our neighbors and desecrate the image of God.\u00a0 The end result is that both men and women end up being promiscuous&#8211;they just have different patterns for their promiscuity.\u00a0 And indeed, fallen sexuality has its own insidious complementarity.\u00a0 Those men whose wealth, fame, and station provide them with the opportunity to sleep with hundreds of women (think rock star or famous athlete) without too much social consequence very often do exactly that.\u00a0 Of course, this is only possible because hundreds of women very much want to sleep with a man of such wealth, fame, and station.\u00a0 Of course, not every man can attract hundreds of women, and not every woman can turn a rock star&#8217;s head, but even when practical capability is missing, these patterns still remain in the imaginations and behavior of men (e.g., porn) and women (e.g., vampire\/werewolf porn).<\/p>\n<p><strong>The Double Standard<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So how then does the double-standard come about?\u00a0 The long and the short of it is this:\u00a0 Men are usually bothered by promiscuity in long-term relationship prospects (especially promiscuity in excess of their own).\u00a0 They will try to avoid marrying such women unless there is some strong countervailing factor.\u00a0 The situation for women is more complicated.\u00a0 They are likewise bothered by promiscuity (especially promiscuity in excess of their own), but at the same time they usually have a very strong countervailing factor:\u00a0 they are attracted to precisely the kind of high social status indicated by a man having been promiscuous.<\/p>\n<p>Women have traditionally been the gatekeepers of purity for precisely this reason.\u00a0 When it comes to future marriage, It is almost always in her own best interest to remain pure.\u00a0 The situation for men is more complicated.\u00a0 They often have a conflict of interest.\u00a0 When coupling decisions rest in the hands of prospective mates, remaining pure is often detrimental to men&#8217;s marriage prospects.\u00a0 Not only could the notches in their bedpost make them more appealing, it is not at all uncommon for women to wonder why they should bother when nobody else has.\u00a0 Generally speaking, it is not wise to entrust a responsibility entirely to someone who could have a vested interest in neglecting that responsibility.<\/p>\n<p>So how do we deal with this load-bearing double standard?\u00a0 Trying to emotionally manipulate women into no longer feeling shame at unchastity is just a recipe for sexual anarchy.\u00a0 If the theory doesn&#8217;t convince you of that, the historical record of feminism should.\u00a0 Shaming men?\u00a0 As I indicated earlier, I&#8217;m not a big fan of emotionally manipulating people into feeling shame, even when &#8220;people&#8221; includes men.\u00a0 Perhaps the solution lies in simply proclaiming the law to everyone and letting it do it&#8217;s job.\u00a0 Most men will, to some degree, feel shame when reminded of unchastity because the law is written on their hearts too.\u00a0 It wouldn&#8217;t be the first time that men were trained to reject a seemingly advantageous behavior for the sake of rectitude.\u00a0 We don&#8217;t have to resort to deception and marketing when we can still return to a time-tested option like civilization.\u00a0 Will this proclamation make women feel more shame than men?\u00a0 Probably.\u00a0 Will the double-standard persist?\u00a0 Probably.\u00a0 &#8220;Civilized&#8221; is not the same as &#8220;perfect.&#8221;\u00a0 It&#8217;s still just restrained sin.\u00a0 But it wouldn&#8217;t be either the first or the last time that either men or women shoulder some burden more than their compliments.\u00a0 If the family hinges on complementarity, why should we expect civilization to hinge on it any less?<\/p>\n<p>&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;&#8212;-<\/p>\n<p>*This is what we call a generalization.\u00a0 It helps us spot trends without saying that all men are Y or all women are X.\u00a0 For this very reason, they are not refuted by statements like &#8220;my friend is a woman and she isn&#8217;t X.&#8221;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I&#8217;m not a big fan of shaming.\u00a0 In other words, I don&#8217;t like the idea of emotionally manipulating people specifically for the purpose of making them feel shame.\u00a0 On the other hand, I don&#8217;t like the idea of emotionally manipulating &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/matthewcochran.net\/blog\/shame-and-the-slut-double-standard\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[26,23,34],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Shame and the Slut Double Standard - 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